Its Not You, Its Me

Dear Emma,

You are due to be on a bus, and off with your class on a field trip in 8 hours. I am suppose to be chaperoning , but I can't. Not because I don't want to go play in clay with you, or because I don't want to be surrounded by 19 other people your size, but simply because I have issues. One pesky issue in particular called anxiety. It keeps me from doing things that I'd like to do from time to time. You know how, when you ask me if we can go out to the park, and I say, "not today"? Well, we can thank anxiety for that. And when you ask me to come volunteer in your classroom on Wednesdays? Uh huh, anxiety can be thanked for that too. I should probably take this time to apologize too, for having you aid in lying to your teacher about why I had to back out of the trip at the last minute. I wrote a note, that you delivered, so you are only minimally my accomplice, but still. You were so sweet and understanding. You told me that it was ok, because other parents would be there, and it was fine if I couldn't come because I had work to do. Your innocence and ability to view the world as is, without the level of analysis that will come later, is a lifesaver.

I am sure that you will have a lot of fun on this trip. You are supposed to be wearing clothes that can get "very dirty", but I will dress you in your Field Trips Rock shirt (which isn't one of those 'can get very dirty' shirts, but is perfect for the day) some sweats, and hope that the rain stays at bay until you are safely returned to your school this afternoon.

I am looking forward to hearing all about it... I know you will be eager to tell me.

Love,
Mommy

Smiles and Hair

Dear Emma,

The other day (I wonder how many of these notes are gonna start like that), you told me that my hair was cool. That made me feel really good. You thought it was really cool that, even though I didn't have my headbands on, that my hair was still stuck in a puff. You requested that I let your hair fly free, with a pretty headband of your own. I will surely oblige. I happen to think your afro is fabulous and I'm glad that you do too!

And do you know what else I think is fabulous? Your personality! Its so big and bold and... silly.



No matter what. I want you to always be yourself, because "your" self is always the very best self.

Love,
Mommy

Why Unaitwa Emma

- U-na-itwa means "you are called' in Swahili

Dear Emma,

Long story short (because you will have heard this story a million times by the time you read this note, and your name may or may not legally be Emma), I decided to call you Emma because that is who you were always supposed to be. When I was pregnant with you, there were only two names that were possibilities for me: Emma and Mahogany. No, you weren't gonna be Emma Mahogany or Mahogany Emma, although I actually like the way the latter sounds, I liked both of these names individually, for different reasons. I was so sure that you were going to be born with dark skin like mine, so I thought that Mahogany would make a beautiful name for my little chocolate drop. However, like I said previously, you were not chocolate at birth whatsoever, so although it would have still been a unique name, it didn't end up making the cut.

And even though you were born on the date that my mother was buried, and her spirit visited me while you were in my belly, Emma didn't initially make the cut either. Your dad didn't like the name, said it was too country. I didn't agree, but I didn't fight for the name either. I went ahead and let him name you. I let him give you a name that was similar to your sisters', which really had no metaphorical meaning because you had no even known them until you were older. I have regretted that decision ever since your name was placed on your birth certificate. The cool thing about names though is that they can always be changed. Last names and first names. As of right now, I have not legally changed your name to Emma because I still need to talk things over with your dad, but you are completely use to being called both Emma and Jalia, and you are just as happy being Emma as you are being Jalia.

I told myself that this year, I would start exclusively calling you Emma. I have not been sticking to that, but this blog is a good start. The end of your 1st grade year will be here in a couple of months, so when you return to school as a 2nd grader, you will be going by Emma. I am looking forward to that.

Love,
Mommy

Friendship

Dear Emma,

You got to reconnect with an old friend tonight. Well, he isn't really an old friend, but its been a month since the two of you have seen each other. Both his family and ours moved from our community at the same time. He transitioned to a new community, and a new school, while you are remaining in your comfort zone for a while longer. You should have seen the huge smile on his face when we pulled up in front of his house. You were asleep in the back seat, and he pounded on the window to wake you up. His mom said that he had been awaiting your arrival the whole day. You were excited to be coming to visit him too!

The two of you have spent a lot of time together and built an amazing friendship. Although you are a girl and he is a boy, the two of you are literally bffs and are connected on a crazy level. You play legos together, challenge each other in video game play, you like to eat many of the same things, you are the same age; I envision your friendship lasting a lifetime.

Love,
Mommy