Dedicated to my daughter with L.O.V.E.
May you come to understand your past and discover your future.
-Mommy

Friday, November 12, 2010

One Smart Cookie Revisited

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Photo Credit

Dear Emma,

I met with your teacher this week. It was such a pleasant experience. She was excited to talk about you. She told me all about your accomplishments this year, thus far, and showed me some of your work. You are doing such a great job. I am extremely proud of you. She noted your compassion, your ability to try hard, your improvements, your leadership, and how much you genuinely love to learn. I shared with her the ways that you will randomly throw pairs of numbers out at me, testing me - confirming your own calculations. I think you are one of those people who lives life by equation. No matter what is thrown your way, you will always figure out all of the answers.

Today, I am treating you to a day at the movies. Your reward for doing your very best.

Love,
Mommy

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Literary Love

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Dear Emma,

You're so funny and cute. I love the way that you get excited about books; the way that you laugh out loud after reading something funny; the way that you are now taking your time to sound out tricky words instead of immediately turning to me for the answer. You are now fully aware that, aside from containing great knowledge, books also hold adventures. You are always so excited on Fridays, that's the day that your class gets to check out books from the library. As a second grader, you now get to choose two books, and you always take advantage of that opportunity.

These days, you are all about this one book from The Black Lagoon Adventures (can't remember which). Your class was treated, and each of you got to bring it home. I think you read your copy at least a couple times a day. When book order time rolled around, we were both excited to see the newest adventure being offered, and a box set of past adventures. Since you are so in love with them, I decided to get all of them for you. I'm looking forward to seeing those big eyes of yours light up when you bring them home.

(side note: You wore your The Very Hungry Caterpillar shirt to school today. You happen to be a big Eric Carle fan too!)

Love,
Mommy

Monday, November 1, 2010

Hi Michael

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Dear Emma,

You had a great Halloween weekend. We celebrated Friday and Sunday with a Halloween parade throughout or old neighborhood, classroom party, a Halloween carnival at the local YMCA, and of course trick or treating with friends! I think, to say that your costume choice was a hit, would be an understatement. You received endless compliments on your choice. People were even addressing you directly as Michael. People were requesting to take your picture. You even had a little guy following you around waving and chanting, "Hi Michael!" You gave him a wave back with your gloved hand. Oh my God, it was just perfect. You were just perfect. This weekend couldn't have been more perfect!


As you paraded with your class through the streets of our old neighborhood, you waved to the onlookers and their flashing lights.


You did your own little step and hit your own little pose.


I was a little regretful that I opted out of wearing a costume this year. I am already looking forward to seeing what you'll choose for next year, and you are already looking forward to the next couple of weeks passing by so that you'll get the chance to break out the socks and glove again for a friend's Halloween themed birthday party!

Love,
Mommy

Friday, October 29, 2010

Its Here!

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Dear Emma,

Your costume finally arrived, after being delayed a day. I was a little nervous because it was so close to your school Halloween parade. I did not want you to be costume-less come today. No worries. The classroom snack is packed for your classroom Halloween party, your costume is all ready for you to get in to, and I have cleared space on the camera to capture it all! I still remember last year, when I filmed your parade. You were so happy, with your friends, skipping along, chanting a little chant, having fun. I suspect the same today. Unlike last year, today is a bit gloomy because it rained earlier. I'm hoping that the skies will stay clear so that everything is just perfect!

Love,
Mommy

Monday, October 11, 2010

EmJay

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Dear Emma,

One of your favorite times of the year will be here soon. Halloween!! You are a sucker for Halloween. You love dressing up and showing off. Last year, you were Supergirl. And not that generic pink girly Supergirl either, but the real deal, blue and red, power fist in the air Supergirl. You rocked it too, with your matching trick or treat bag. And the year before that we joined forces as Batgirl and Catwoman. We were a neighborhood hit!

As much as you love Halloween, I have always picked out your costumes. Afterall, I do know exactly what you like. But this year, I thought it was about time that you made the decision of which skin you'd like to celebrate in. You had a few choices dancing around in your head. First Witch, then vampire, then paramedic. You thought long and hard about these before making your final selection. Come October 31st, 2010, Emma will become...



EmJay!


That's right. You decided that this year you are gonna break out the sparkly socks and glove, throw on the fedora and aviators, and moonwalk your way, door to door filling your treat bag. Ever since being introduced to Michael Jackson, via his untimely passing, you've been a die hard fan. You love his music and his dance moves. You make it a point to request his music when we are on the road, and you use your computer time to research his music videos on Youtube! You are very appreciative of art, and you are one of those people who has a very special relationship to music. More on that later. For now, we will be gearing up for your ultimate transformation!

Love,
Mommy

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Whoa!

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Dear Emma,

You're well into your third year in elementary school now, and today, you said something that finally cemented your big girl status. We were in the car, and talking about the day's school activities when you reflected on your spelling test. We had only studied your spelling words together the night before, paying careful attention to the words that had tricky combination of letters. You said that you thought you did good, confident that you had spelled "campground" correctly. And then you said, "we didn't get our tests back today, I don't think she (your teacher) had time to grade them." Oh. My. God. You actually said "grade", as in referring to classwork, as in referring to something other than your current academic standing! I swear, I had a That's So Raven moment. I couldn't help but flash to my Cal days, those mama bear days that became your baby bear days - thinking about how you've grown up in the lingo, about how you know what to expect from academia because you've been prepping for it and taking it in since you were 7 months old. Wow. Babies don't get graded, they get happy-faced and stickered. However, scholars-in-training sure definitely get graded.

Something as simple as a 2nd grade spelling test, as simple as introducing yourself to a friend's father in Spanish, is a testament to who you are becoming and proof that you're unstoppable.

Love,
Mommy

Saturday, September 11, 2010

One Smart Cookie

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Dear Emma,

Each afternoon, after getting an earful of your day, I check my rearview mirror to catch you sleeping on the ride home. Possibly a tale-tale sign of our lengthy commutes or one of just how hard you've been working and learning since becoming a 2nd grader. You wear this accomplishment with so much pride. I think you feel accomplished. Like an underclassman, thinking ahead to when you will gain a Kindergarten reading buddy as a 3rd grader. You tend to think ahead a lot. You think about what it'd be like to be a teenager, to drive a car, to own a cell phone, and even about going to college. I tend not to worry too much about your future because you are such a natural born leader. You are not shy and you are not fearful. You face each day as a new adventure and dare others to stand in your way.

Current likes: Math, Science (chemistry), Reading, Writing, Baseball, Computers, and Video Games.

Love,
Mommy

Saturday, August 28, 2010

You are So Loved!

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Dear Emma,

You had a great first week of school. Actually, it was more like a great first few days of school since things kicked off on a Wednesday this school year. You were very excited to start a new school year. After reminiscing about your emotional last day of first grade, corresponding with your first grade teacher about your summer activities, and picking your first day of school outfit and hairstyle, you were all ready to begin your new adventure.

We made our arrival and located your classroom assignment. We searched for your new teacher, and in the process, ran into some old friends. To your delight, you had more than a few familiar faces in your new classroom.


You met in an embrace that told us parents that you kids had really missed each other over the summer break. Your later requests for play dates, and our later exchanges of updated contact information was a reminder that we all need to do more to stay in touch. I think you are in for a wonderful journey this year. You have already been assigned your class job, which you are very excited about, you're learning what will be expected of you this year, and you are settling into your new routine beautifully. I am looking forward to helping and watching your growth this year.

Love,
Mommy

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Dandelions in the Summer Time Breeze

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Dear Emma,

Last week you received a very special surprise. I had told you that your 1st grade teacher would be sending you some mail, and when it arrived you were eager to open it. The small envelop revealed a card, which had one of your favorite flowers imprinted on it.


You always take extreme care in combing over your mail. You like to examine the envelop to see who its from, if its addressed specifically to you, and anything else about it that might be interesting. And the contents undergo the same level of detailed inspection. You admired your card before opening it. You read it aloud, and rushed for my computer at your teacher's request to email her a reply. I told you that we'd get to it the following day.

You have been in a back and forth exchange with your teacher for the past few days. She's told you what she's done over the summer, you've told her how you've been practicing your art/drawing skills, along with your reading, math and journal writing, she's told you just how proud she is of you for incorporating learning into your summer vacation, and you've checked my inbox daily for any sight of her name.

And then you've reminded me how you need your own computer! And I've reminded you to talk to your dad about that.

Love,
Mommy

Friday, July 9, 2010

Natural Beauty

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Saturday, June 12, 2010

Virtual Time Capsule: Gina

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Dearest Emma,

Happy 7th Birthday. You are such a beautiful little girl, on your way to becoming an amazing woman. I am so thankful to be a part of your life. You are always willing to give me the hugs and kisses I love. I know I always tell you that you are the baby girl I'll never have. That's my way
of saying I couldn't love you any more than if you were truly mine. One day you will look back and understand what that means. I hope you always let me stay involved in your life. I can see you with your first boyfriend, going on your first date while your mom and I give him the 3rd degree and Chris and Clayton mean mugging him, going to prom...maybe you'll let me help pick out your dress, graduating from high school, graduating from college, getting married, and having my grandbabies.

I want you to know that there is no right order to those events in your life. The Cal moms are all examples of accomplishing any dream you have at any time in your life. All things are possible for you. What matters most is believing in yourself and not letting other people tell you what you can or can't do.

Heaven forbid your heart ever be broken, but on that day remember we love you and I promise the pain does fade. I'll be there to hold your hand, hug you and cry with you. Your mom and I will sing "Pray For You" with you until we laugh through our tears. We'll have to hold Chris and Clay back because they'll want to kill the person who hurts their little sister.

Remember to be good to your mother. She is one of the most amazing, beautiful, intelligent, loving, wonderful, (there's not enough words or room to accurately describe her) people I know. She loves you more than you could ever imagine and has always tried her hardest for you. Everything she has done has been to provide a better life for you. I know you two will bump heads and fight but always remember she is doing what she believes is best for you. She has experienced more life than you and is just trying to protect you as much as she can. Tell her you love her everyday!

Lastly always remember that I'm here for you anytime of day or night. I'd like to think we'll just be walking distance, but as life happens it may be a little farther. I will never be too busy for you. You can come stay with us whenever you want. Just like you do now. When I get my own house there will be a room for you to come stay. Don't ever be embarrassed to ask me for anything or tell me anything. I love you so much.

P.S. You know how much I love Country music and I always find songs that fit the occasion. So today's song for you is "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts.

Gina

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Grandma's Heart

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Dear Emma,

Just a quick word to share a little somethin' somethin' with you about my visit to granny's yesterday. So, we were surfing the internet, and I shared with her some of the notes that I have been writing to you. As I read, she had such joy in her heart. And guess what?? She was all teary eyed and demanded that "I" write you something from her, she said she is better with actions than with words. But I think, if she were to pour out everything that she feels for you, and everything that you mean to her, she'd be too overcome with emotion to write. It was so cute. I think she didn't think I noticed, but I called her out, and she smiled from the inside out.

Love,
Mommy

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Virtual Time Capsule: Auntie Traci

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Welcome to 7 years on this Earth! Or maybe I should be thanking the universe for delivering you to so many lives and to one of the best Mamas I know.

Your Mama has asked a few of us to put in writing what you mean to our lives, and to provide you any advice we feel you could use during your lifetime and personally, I think it’s one of the most beautiful she could give you. The gift of love and admiration. And you get it in writing! What more can a girl ask for?

I didn’t quite know what to say before because, unfortunately, I don’t really get to spend that much time with you. But the more I thought about it, if I were to just speak on the person that you are, I would have to say that you are a very unique little person. I love your individuality and the way that you communicate so freely. And…hey, that honesty is right up there with the best of them. I asked if you would be bored spending the night at my house with just the two of us hanging out and you replied, “yes”, with a slight giggle. When I popped up on you last Sunday you didn’t seem overly excited that I’d intercepted your alone time with Mommy, but you gave me a hug anyway and even made me a few barrette designs [I’m smiling at the thought]...You are honest in all that you do BE DAMNED! And you know what? That is exactly how you should be. Don’t compromise who you are for anyone. Look them in the face, with those big brown eyes and give ‘em the truth, girl. Take those little girl ways you have with all the power they hold and carry them into womanhood with you because they will assist you as you navigate your way through life. Not to say that this journey will be traveled alone. Just the fact that your Mama has several of us submitting words of love, on your behalf, shows that you have many people ready, willing, and able, to speak volumes of love, about the little Princess. You are so loved and I hope you always know that. You have accumulated a lot of adoptive family that would be there at the drop of a hat, should you need it. That is always. Not fly by night, just 2010, just today, just tomorrow. It’s ALWAYS. Remember that during the important times because being a girl – wait, a smart | beautiful girl, is NOT easy. There will be many along the way that will want to take your strength, attempt to silence you, and some that might even leave you feeling like you have to dumb down to have them in your space. Release them into the atmosphere…with the QUICKNESS because it’s vital that you surround yourself with the healthiest of people – MIND | BODY | and SPIRIT.

As of this writing, I am making a promise to spend more time in your space so that you can know with everything in you, that the words here are sincere.

Love,

Traci

Friday, June 4, 2010

Virtual Time Capsule: Miriam

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Emma,

One day, if our paths decide to change, you may not think of me anymore. There may be a time when you may not remember me; when I might be a foggy part of a distant childhood memory. One day you may come across a picture and ask “who IS that?” and not remember my currently familiar face.


But if you ever feel sad and alone remember this: I loved you then, I love you now, and will always love you. Even when you pass from a child to woman, even through your mistakes and many successes, through your joys and pains, you will always have a special place in my heart. You are not even seven, but your joy, your unwavering curiosity, your outspokenness, your courage to always be yourself, and most of all, your ability to love inspire me.

I hope you know just how much love surrounded you, surrounds you still, how much you mean to those around you, how much you mean to me. But most of all, I hope you never doubt yourself, I hope you always find reasons to smile, I hope you don’t cower from pain, but rather learn from it.

I know you will grow to be an amazing woman. Emma, I have no doubt that you will find your own happiness and live your life without regrets. I hope I get to stay near to watch you grow. But if distance ever separates us, you do not have to remember me; just know that I, like many others, love you still.

<3 Miriam

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Beyond Biology

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Dear Emma,

Your capacity for love knows no limits. You comfortably accept love and give love to the people around you. Your magnetic spirit has the ability to make babies smile, and my heart grow. Over the weekend, we helped to celebrate a woman you've found to be pivotal in your life. To you, there is nobody like your Gina, and nobody like her two sons, whom you view as your brothers. To be banished from their lives would bring an end to your world. Yeah, they are a VERY big deal - correspondingly like the few other pivotal friends of ours who have morphed into family. Relationships like these are few in a lifetime, and I am grateful that you are experiencing them early on.

Love,
Mommy

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Its Almost Here

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Dear Emma,

I can't believe it. In 9 more days, you'll be celebrating your 7th birthday. I know I probably say this a lot, but you are just growing so fast. Turning 7, finishing up your second half of 1st grade - you are asserting your own mind and desires more and more each day. I like the passion that you always seem to have in your voice. You get so excited when you tell me about your day, or about your favorite book, or tv show. I often have to remind you to keep an inside voice... I should know better than to try to contain your personality... its bigger than any walls could ever hold.

While I'm busy gushing, I should probably gloat at the fact that you have no idea that I have already gotten you a Nintendo DS for your birthday. Actually, its from your aunt Lisa, but I was given the task of picking it up from the store. I think you will be very pleased with the Metallic Rose that I picked out. I think I will let you do the honors of picking out your very first game. Its always the simplest things that make you the happiest, like, laying in bed with me watching missed tv shows or movies on Hulu while digging into a container of ice cream with two spoons, or sporting a t-shirt that matches mine. Your mama can ALWAYS bring a smile to your face. I hope that never changes.

Love,
Mommy

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Its Not You, Its Me

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Dear Emma,

You are due to be on a bus, and off with your class on a field trip in 8 hours. I am suppose to be chaperoning , but I can't. Not because I don't want to go play in clay with you, or because I don't want to be surrounded by 19 other people your size, but simply because I have issues. One pesky issue in particular called anxiety. It keeps me from doing things that I'd like to do from time to time. You know how, when you ask me if we can go out to the park, and I say, "not today"? Well, we can thank anxiety for that. And when you ask me to come volunteer in your classroom on Wednesdays? Uh huh, anxiety can be thanked for that too. I should probably take this time to apologize too, for having you aid in lying to your teacher about why I had to back out of the trip at the last minute. I wrote a note, that you delivered, so you are only minimally my accomplice, but still. You were so sweet and understanding. You told me that it was ok, because other parents would be there, and it was fine if I couldn't come because I had work to do. Your innocence and ability to view the world as is, without the level of analysis that will come later, is a lifesaver.

I am sure that you will have a lot of fun on this trip. You are supposed to be wearing clothes that can get "very dirty", but I will dress you in your Field Trips Rock shirt (which isn't one of those 'can get very dirty' shirts, but is perfect for the day) some sweats, and hope that the rain stays at bay until you are safely returned to your school this afternoon.

I am looking forward to hearing all about it... I know you will be eager to tell me.

Love,
Mommy

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Smiles and Hair

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Dear Emma,

The other day (I wonder how many of these notes are gonna start like that), you told me that my hair was cool. That made me feel really good. You thought it was really cool that, even though I didn't have my headbands on, that my hair was still stuck in a puff. You requested that I let your hair fly free, with a pretty headband of your own. I will surely oblige. I happen to think your afro is fabulous and I'm glad that you do too!

And do you know what else I think is fabulous? Your personality! Its so big and bold and... silly.



No matter what. I want you to always be yourself, because "your" self is always the very best self.

Love,
Mommy

Monday, April 5, 2010

Why Unaitwa Emma

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- U-na-itwa means "you are called' in Swahili

Dear Emma,

Long story short (because you will have heard this story a million times by the time you read this note, and your name may or may not legally be Emma), I decided to call you Emma because that is who you were always supposed to be. When I was pregnant with you, there were only two names that were possibilities for me: Emma and Mahogany. No, you weren't gonna be Emma Mahogany or Mahogany Emma, although I actually like the way the latter sounds, I liked both of these names individually, for different reasons. I was so sure that you were going to be born with dark skin like mine, so I thought that Mahogany would make a beautiful name for my little chocolate drop. However, like I said previously, you were not chocolate at birth whatsoever, so although it would have still been a unique name, it didn't end up making the cut.

And even though you were born on the date that my mother was buried, and her spirit visited me while you were in my belly, Emma didn't initially make the cut either. Your dad didn't like the name, said it was too country. I didn't agree, but I didn't fight for the name either. I went ahead and let him name you. I let him give you a name that was similar to your sisters', which really had no metaphorical meaning because you had no even known them until you were older. I have regretted that decision ever since your name was placed on your birth certificate. The cool thing about names though is that they can always be changed. Last names and first names. As of right now, I have not legally changed your name to Emma because I still need to talk things over with your dad, but you are completely use to being called both Emma and Jalia, and you are just as happy being Emma as you are being Jalia.

I told myself that this year, I would start exclusively calling you Emma. I have not been sticking to that, but this blog is a good start. The end of your 1st grade year will be here in a couple of months, so when you return to school as a 2nd grader, you will be going by Emma. I am looking forward to that.

Love,
Mommy

Friday, April 2, 2010

Friendship

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Dear Emma,

You got to reconnect with an old friend tonight. Well, he isn't really an old friend, but its been a month since the two of you have seen each other. Both his family and ours moved from our community at the same time. He transitioned to a new community, and a new school, while you are remaining in your comfort zone for a while longer. You should have seen the huge smile on his face when we pulled up in front of his house. You were asleep in the back seat, and he pounded on the window to wake you up. His mom said that he had been awaiting your arrival the whole day. You were excited to be coming to visit him too!

The two of you have spent a lot of time together and built an amazing friendship. Although you are a girl and he is a boy, the two of you are literally bffs and are connected on a crazy level. You play legos together, challenge each other in video game play, you like to eat many of the same things, you are the same age; I envision your friendship lasting a lifetime.

Love,
Mommy

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Multi-talented

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Singing the lead in a song on Rock Band

Dear Emma,

One of your most favorite ways to express yourself is through drumming on everything that you can, and with anything that will make a sound when it connects with something else. Pencils on notebooks, hands on thighs, it doesn't matter to you, as long as it keeps a rhythm. As much as I don't want to kill your creativity and developing talent, I am always stopping you before you get to the climax of your set. There is only so much drumming that I can take after a while. But no matter how many times I stop you, you are never discouraged from drumming another day, so perhaps drumming, as an art, is in your future. I have considered researching and signing you up for a drum class, where you can be with like-minded little individuals and drum away. You are definitely at that age now where you should be in all kinds of extra-curricular activities. You just have so many things that you like to do, you'd have me running all over town.

You love to sing, play drums, dance, and play football. Yep, you like to play football. In fact, you make it a point to play everyday at school. You are the only girl tough enough to take the boys on in flag football, well, except for your principal, who is a woman, and also joins you on the yard. I heard that, even though its flag football, you tackle the boys down to the ground. That's my girl =). It would probably be really cool to put you on a peewee team.

For now, I guess I will just sit back and enjoy the show.

Love,
Mommy


Friday, March 26, 2010

You Have Lines

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Dear Emma,

The other day, you put your fingers on my belly and traced my stretch marks. You are always more intrigued with my belly ring, but that day, you seemed to notice, and admire, my lines. You traced them ever so delicately, as if to not cause me any kind of pain, or perhaps you were trying to read them, know there story without asking me, but you asked anyway.

Emma: You have lines mama.

Me: Yep, they're called stretch marks.

Emma: Stretch marks? Is that because you do a lot of stretching *stretches arms up high to the sky*

Me: No, they came when my belly was stretching when you were inside of it.

Emma: Does everyone have them?

Me: Not everyone, but a lot of people do.

Emma: Oh.

And then you proceeded to trace them again, with the same delicacy, but with added understanding and acceptance. I have realized since you were small(er) that "I" am your first, and most important role model where body image is concerned. Since you were a toddler, you have been taking in, and admiring my body, and comparing my body to yours. Although you did not breastfeed, you were quite fond of breasts - my breasts and the breasts of others. No ones cleavage was safe from your touch. You would put my bras on your body as you sat on the bed and played, waiting for me to get out of the shower. And later, you would compare your little size to my large size, and look forward to yours being as big as mine one day. The joys of having a little girl =). And beyond breast appreciation and stretch mark tracing, you are fascinated with my body hair. Yes, you are! My arms, my legs, my everything else. Again, you compare mine to your sprouting leg hair and aspire to be just like mama.

I'm very proud of the fact that you can look at me and see yourself; I'm very proud of the fact that I can be a mirror for you in so many aspects of your life. Taking things one step further, on my quest to teach you to love your thick, kinky, curly, nappy, long hair, I decided to cut off all of my relaxed hair and go natural. I have my personal reasons for doing so, but one of the most important was to be a source of inspiration and an example for you. You have wanted your hair straighten, and I allowed it once, but I wanted you to see that you don't have to have straight hair to be beautiful... its a choice, not a requirement. All hair is beautiful. I don't think you have ever felt unpretty, but with your friends having hair that is different from yours, and with folks telling you that your hair is nappy and making a fuss, and with me having a perm in my hair, why wouldn't you want straight hair too? So, I joined you. Just as you admire me, I admire you and your full crown, and now I am growing my afro out so I can be just like YOU!

Love,
Mommy

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Worth a Thousand Words

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Dear Emma,

About 3 weeks ago, I reintroduced you to yourself as an infant and toddler. We recently moved from the home that you have lived in since you were 5 months old, and during the clearing out process, I found my old camcorder that I had tucked away. There is one specific tape with years of memories on it. I have you from 5 days old to about 4 or 5. There are some moments with past loved ones on that tape too, like, the video of you in your great-great grandmothers arms at about 2 weeks old. She loved you so much. She passed away in 2005, but she spent a lot of time loving you and you loved her just as much.

We got a chance to sit down at granny's and watch that tape in its entirety. You got to see yourself cooing at the camera, sucking on your pacifier, dancing to a little chant that I used to sing that would get you all bouncy and smiley. Go Pooka, Go Pooka. You were my Pookadoo =). Its so easy for me to forget about those days as you grow, but once I see them, I am right back in those moments. Right back to remembering that your first two teeth to come in made you look like a bunny rabbit. You were such a happy little bunny. And when you started walking, around 13 months old, we were at your great-great grandma's, and I drove all the way back home to get that camcorder because I didn't wanna miss not one step. You went from crawling around the living room to running across the floor. It was amazing. I was so happy to have captured your first steps. I could have easily missed them since, at that time, I was back at Cal and you were spending your days and some late evenings with grandma.

The early months and years were so much fun. I took you everywhere with me, even to class! I'll tell you more about that later.

Love,
Mommy

Monday, March 22, 2010

You Were Born...

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On the morning of June 5th, 2003, at the same hospital as I was, and in the same way that I was. I laid immobile on the table, as the incision was made and you were pulled from my womb. As you were held up for me to see, I wanted to reach out and grab you as your little arms and legs were flailing. I fell in love at first site. I spent nine months getting to know you, although after about eight of those nine, I was ready for you to take up residence outside of my body. You were a compact fit, lifting your little head up during the day creating a sore spot on my belly. But aside from that, I was just really ready to finally meet you.

I was prepared. I set up your crib next to my bed, filled your pretty bassinet with diapers and a cute blanket, set up your infant carrier in the car, put the wheels on your stroller, put your bounce chair together, put your baby swing together, packed a cute little gown and hat that had little brown babies all over them, and for your ride home, you would wear a snugly bear jumper that was about 2 sizes too big. I wrote a birth plan that expressed my desire to breastfeed you, and my desire for minimal interventions, which my doctors would never see due to all the excitement that morning surrounding your birth. After learning that I had a mass on one of my ovaries during the prep for surgery, the birth plan slipped my mind. So, you were pulled from my womb and taken to the NICU, where you were hooked up to some machines, because you had some fluid in your lungs. My mass, which turned out to be a non-cancerous cist the size of a tennis ball, was removed and I was sent to recovery without you.

I must have bugged the nurses every 5 minutes to see you. They wanted me to wait until I could get up from the bed to come visit you. I just wasn't having that. I wanted my baby. I needed to see you. So, after relentless pleading, I was taken up to the NICU, in my hospital bed, to see you, and when I could get out of bed, I was wheeled back up in a wheelchair to see you, and that's when we really officially got a chance to meet. They removed some of your hardware and I got to hold you in my arms for the first time that day. I talked to you, I kissed you, I loved you. You were not the chocolate Mahogany (that's what I once wanted to name you) that I thought you'd be. Oh yeah. I just knew that you were gonna look just like me, and have an ebony skin tone just like mine. Instead, you looked just like your dad, and had skin as fair as your great-grandmother's. I looked right past you in the NICU =). But none of that mattered in the end. You were perfect and I was proud.

You got to come down and join me in my room later that day, and we laid together, and I inspected every part of you, finding tiny crevices that the nurses had forgotten to clean, which I brought to their attention. And from that first day, you exuded your strength, refusing to breastfeed. The nurses had given you a pacifier AND a bottle while in the NICU, even though that was not my desire. IT WAS WRITTEN! But they never saw those words because I had forgotten to show them. So, there you were, with nipple confusion, and there I was, crying on the phone to my grandmother, feeling like I'd failed you already and we hadn't even left the hospital yet. You never stayed on as a breastfeeder, and I learned to live with that.

I really can't describe all of my feelings that I had for you that day, except to say that I was truly in love with you and have been every day since.

Love,
Mommy

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Miss. Personality

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My dearest Emma,

You have the brightest smile, the boldest personality, and you have the ability to belt out the most infectious laughter. There is no other little girl on this planet like you, and the space within my soul that you occupy keeps my heart beating.

I created this place just for you. So that I would be able to share with you, in real time, the days of our lives. But more importantly, I wanted a place to share YOU with you. As you know, when I was 2 years older than you are now, my mama died. And what you are still too young to understand is that, when she died, she took the details of the life that we had together with her. I can only learn of those times through the memories of others.

I do not want that for you. If something should happen to me, I want you to be able to pick up a book, flip to chapter whatever, and find out all about yourself, your childhood, me, your dad, what was once me and your dad, and anything else that you may have wanted or needed to ask me. And should nothing happen to me before I am ready to hand these letters/notes over to you, my hope is that I am able to fill in any blanks that you may have in your mind, and that this future piece of literature will strengthen our relationship even more.

Love,
Mama
 

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